Whenever I am upset or sad, I write. But whenever I am frustrated, I sketch. In the past one month I have been sketching a lot. I love working with charcoal and I have had the chance to improve my work while allowing myself to vent my frustration.
But I have been at KI for only over two months. One would wonder what got to me so bad, so soon. It is not the thesis, yet. It isn’t the weather either. It isn’t about not seeing friends or family. It isn’t even the fact that I wish I knew Swedish better. People who know me might know it, its biostatistics.
I don’t hate the subject. Don’t get me wrong. But I am pretty sure it hates me. I have been told to try to like it. God knows I have been making every effort to love it. (People in my country go over the top with emotions, like, always). But it just will not love me back.
I realise the significance and validity of the whole subject. I was never oblivious of it. The world of evidence based medicine is based on biostatistics and for a while in the past that was my world.
In the first week we had biostatistics I was in awe. In awe of the patience the instructors had for us, and in awe of myself for having made it through medical school. There were times when I thought I must be the dumbest in this class hands down. I even told people that there was a time when I used to feel smart and that time was becoming a distant memory now.
Every new concept meant that I had to read through the lecture or notes or the book a dozen times and then ultimately say to myself. Ah that was simple enough. As you can imagine I have had a lot of ah moments lately. When our Italian teacher once said to us you make me depressed, I thought, now we are on the same page.
As the end of the course approaches, I feel the doubts in myself inflating. Luckily we get to appear for the exam 6 times. And I am hoping to pass the exam eventually.